Thursday, February 9, 2012

You're So Vain. I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

And if you are reading this Bean, you would be correct.  This blog is about my crazy, tantrum throwing toddler.

Bean had three tantrums yesterday; Mommy had three glasses of wine.  I certainly can't keep up like this.  I can't pinpoint the impetus to the tantrums.   They have all appeared out of nowhere, like a bird crapping on your head.  I didn't see any of them coming.  The first one lasted until I counted to 800.  I thought that by slowly counting I could distract her from whatever perturbed her in the first place.  I sat down eye level with her speaking calmly and tried to rub her back or her hand and just convey to her that this would be over soon.  We'd ride out her storm together.  Every action of mine aggravated her more.

Wheels on the Bus? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!   Row  Row Row Your Boat? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  How about ABCs? NONONONONNONONOONO NOOOOOOOO!  She'd lunge for Bear and then throw Bear defiantly only to be more upset that Bear wasn't in her hands.  She was irrational, crazed, tear-faced.  With her hair standing on end and a sweaty forehead and a manic look in her eyes, she could have easily passed for a meth-addict.  Only a very short one.

Tantrum 1 ended by me trying to hold her on my lap and slowly moving from room to room until we finally found ourselves in the family room where she demanded Elmo.  Elmo DVD went on and my darling, sweet Bean returned to me.  Smiling and laughing at the TV, she gently caressed Bear and drank her milk.  The tantrum became a distant memory.

Tantrum 2 was brief, lasting only 15 minutes.  After running errands, she promptly threw herself on the floor, arms flailing, spit flying, screaming from the top of her lungs.  Through the din, I was able to make out a "ME! ME!  ME!  ME!  while pointing at her chest.  She wanted to look at pictures of herself on the computer.  My vain little princess.  She likes to look at pictures of herself on cellphones, the computer, in frames and in albums.  When we look at pictures on the computer, she presses the right arrow key to get to the next picture or sometimes she will touch the screen like an Ipad to speed along the photo viewing.  She just sits there staring at picture after picture of herself.  I believe this is how Kim Kardashian spends most of her days.

The vanity fest went on for forty minutes.  I didn't really care because she was sitting so nicely on my lap and I really do love looking at these pictures too.  Plus, her head smells so sweet.  Bedtime arrived and then so did Tantrum 3.  This one made the previous tantrums look timid.  She went from zero to hundred in seconds.  Just carrying her up the stairs was an exercise.  Did you ever carry a rabid monkey on amphetamines up a staircase?  That's what carrying Bean upstairs to bed was like.  Bean must be twenty-five pounds of pure muscle.  That's the only possible explanation of her strength.  It took me fifteen minutes to get her clothing and diaper off.  Putting a diaper back on was another story.  I kept struggling and Bean kept escaping.  A naked screaming toddler had bested me yet again.  Then the doorbell rang.

More cries erupted.  I thought maybe one of my new neighbors called the police because of the incessant     screaming that had gone on here today.  I walked down the steps with my half-diapered baby, hoping that maybe they'd just arrest me and then they could cuff me and Bean.  I'm sure someone could wrangle on diaper on her if her hands were cuffed.  It wasn't the police though, it was my husband!  The cavalry had arrived!

Together it took the two us to dress our twenty-two month old.   The tears continued.  J looked bewildered, having never really witnessed a Bean tantrum. We had such a feeling of powerlessness.  There was nothing that we could do to calm her down.  We tried in vain to continue the bedtime ritual.  Instead, books and Bear were thrown repeatedly.  She even threw every Elmo in the room.  Ultimately, I escaped downstairs and J calmed Bean down after about an hour.

I sat on the couch frantically googling "Tantrum Toddlers" which actually sounds like the name of a new TLC or Bravo show.  I didn't find much except that it helps to identify a trigger.  Pictures were the obvious trigger to tantrum  3 so my plan is to avoid the computer completely, at least, while Bean is awake.

Wish us both luck!

1 comment:

  1. Only you could make a horrible day into a wonderful read. Sorry it was so tough, but good retelling of the tale!