Tuesday, December 11, 2012


In typical Jerry and Christine fashion, we started watching a new show and have binged on it.  Because of Netflix, we can't watch TV like normal people anymore.  Instead, we watch three to four episodes a night, often with some popcorn, and then one of us has to be the more mature person and turn off the TV and save some Homeland for the next night.  I was hesitant to start watching Homeland because Claire Danes had so abruptly left My So-Called Life and I never really forgave her for that.  I mean, really, did Romeo and Juliet have to made?  Couldn't that have been postponed a few years so I could finally have an ending to the Jordan Catalano/Angela Chase/Brian Krakow love triangle.  That mystery will confound me, much like the lost colony of Roanoke until my dying day.  So you see, I had very good reason to avoid yet another Claire Danes drama.  Then the show won all those Emmys, so we succumbed to internet peer pressure and started watching the show.  We were immediately hooked.

What does Homeland have to do with being a stay at home mom with toddler who enjoys picking boogers?  Well, two things.  First, I am now pregnant with our second child and as such my crazy pregnancy dreams have returned.  With this pregnancy, my dreams seem to involve me being in Homeland and Channing Tatum is a terrorist.

Take last night's Emmy award winning dream.

The setting:  A hospital waiting room.  White walls.  Framed Monet prints line the waiting room.  A nervous man pushes his very pregnant wife in through the revolving doors.  Wife is obviously having contractions as she is breathing heavily and making those crazy fish pouty faces and breathing loudly.

Husband (played by Jerry): I need to check my wife in (laughs to himself because this isn't a hotel)

Wife (played by me):  Please.  Breath, Breath, Breath.  This is going to happen fast.

A very pregnant Claire Danes enters the waiting room wearing the yellow dress that she wore to the Emmy's.  She is obviously very pregnant and she is also breathing rapidly, but it seems like she ignoring the obvious fact that she is in labor too.

Claire Danes:   Stop!  You can't have this baby.

Wife:  (Looking up confused, with tears streaming down her face)  But my water broke.  This baby is coming whether you like it or not.

Claire Danes:  Well, I don't like it.  There is a terrorist outside.  And he's planning an attack on the United States.  We have to stop him.

Wife:  But I'm in labor.

Claire Danes:  If you don't help me now, your child might not have a United States to grow up in.  There will just be a big blank space on the map where America used to be.  You don't want that do you?

Wife:  (She quickly glances at her husband and then down at her enormous belly, rubbing a protective hand over her it.  She stands up.  Her legs wobbly with exhaustion and fear, grasping firmly on her wheel chair arms, she stands)  What do you need?

At this point, the two pregnant women, run/waddle out the revolving doors to an overturned tractor trailer that is being driven by Channing Tatum.  Upon seeing that the would-be terrorist is in fact another actor, the wife seems momentarily stunned.

Wife:  But he's an actor?  And isn't he People's sexiest man alive?

Zoom in on Channing Tatum's perfect jaw and smile.  His teeth are actually twinkling.

Claire Danes:  Yes!  He's acting like he's an American when he's really an Al Qeada operative.

Wife:  At this point, she's clearly confused.  Although she continues to follow directions, and climb onto the truck, she is frustrated because she doesn't understand what's actually going on.  She yearns for a dry-erase board or a bulletin board so that Claire Danes could map this villain out for her.  Uh oh.  My water broke.

Husband:  Jerry rushes out of the hospital.  He's upset.  He sees the truck, with his wife climbing on top crying about her water breaking.  He rushes to her.  Stop.  Just stop.  You forgot that Claire Danes is crazy.  We are going to have this baby now. Let's go inside.  I already called the CIA.  Let me give you the epidural now.

Wife:  Oh my g-d!  You are right!  I forgot she's f***ing nuts!  Why was I listening to her?
She turns to Channing Tatum.  I liked 21 Jump Street a lot more than I thought I would.  Why did your parents give you two last names?

Claires Danes:  Weeping uncontrollably.  Why me?  Why me?  Help.

End Scene.

1 comment:

  1. I only saw the very first episode of Homeland and I still found this hysterical!