Thursday, January 16, 2014

Mom Jeans

I finally get "Mom Jeans."  I mean, I really get it.  The high waists, the heart shaped seat of the pants, the control top denim all have one very specific purpose: to keep that pillow top of flab away from public viewing.  I get it now.

I was a low-rise girl for years.  Oh those days seem so long ago.  When my pants size was in the single digits.  Cue epic sigh.  Now, I'm sporting the mom jeans and I love it.  My waist is just under my giant-circus-sized breasts just like my fashion icon Steve Urkel.  My mom jeans aren't exactly like the ones my mom wore back in the day.  They have a  lot more stretch and they are fitted slim in the leg, but my waist is high, so high that my pants act as built-in girdle.  It's amazing.

How high is my waist?

  • My waist is so high that it's higher than the Freedom Tower!  Take that old Sears tower!

  • My waist is so high that it's higher than Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato and that Jonas brother at the Kids Choice Awards Ceremony.

  • My waist is so high that Snoop Dog wants in on it.  And he can't get in on it, you know why?  Because he's not a mom!

Pushing my kids out of my body entitles me to wear my pants however high I want to.  I'm allowed to do this for 2 years or for 10 years.  It's my choice.  My high-waisted mom jeans will guard me against excess stomach flab without the horror of having to wear Spanx (which I'm certain the US government makes detainees wear at Guantanamo Bay).

And so I wear my mom jeans with pride because I had a baby and because dang, elastic waist pants are sooooo comfortable.

Also, you should watch this because it might just inspire you to hoist your pants higher on your waist. And it's Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at their best.

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