"Hoatie pooped in my room!"
Those are not the words you want to hear from your four-old, when you know for a fact that your one-year old was just ambling about naked upstairs. I run half-dressed to Bean's room and find HT standing in a puddle with turds at her feet. And those turds were clearly blueberry poops, and anyone who has a baby can vouch for the grossness factor of blueberry poop. HT, surprised at seeing me with my mouth agape and half dressed, turns to me and slips falling backward into a pile of her own feces. I shout "Oh no!" and Bean shouts "Gracious me!" because apparently I'm raising an 85-year old and not a four-year old. HT erupts in hiccoughed sobs and I pick her up and gallantly carry my freshly scrubbed baby for bath #2 of the day. Bean happily trails behind and asks if she can I have the IPad and I quietly wonder how she can remain calm when her bookshelf and floor are smeared with shit. She pads off to my bed where she lay on my bed completely naked playing merrily on the IPad.
I quickly scrub the poop off HT's back, feet and hands. It's everywhere and the bits of blueberry skins have somehow managed to fuse to HT's skin. She is bewildered. I'm washing her in the sink with a mix of bubble bath and sanitizing lotion because they were closest. I manage to calm her down, diaper her and dress her. I find her Bunny Blanket in the hallway. It also has globs of poop on it. Not a lot, but enough that I don't want her sleeping with it. But if she doesn't sleep with it, she will wake up, which in turn will wake me up and then neither of us will sleep very well. She can't sleep without her bunny, but it's close to bedtime. She's exhausted. Her head is bobbing up and down and she is slow-blinking at me. I grab the bunny and scrub all the poop out of it. If I give it back to her now she will suck all the wet spots and probably ingest dirty poop water and get some awful preventable disease because I was too lazy to clean and dry the damn thing properly.
I run downstairs and put the Bunny in the dryer and try to nurse HT to sleep. As she lays in my arms, I notice that my right bicep is covered in poop. Also, I'm still shirtless, having never finished dressing after my shower. I wonder if the neighbors saw me running around shirtless, covered in poop and laughing maniacally. Maybe?
I place HT is her crib too quickly and she's up and crying again. I run downstairs, retrieve the now somewhat clean bunny. The heat from the dryer surely would have killed any stray poop bacteria, right? I try nursing HT again, and this time, she's out cold. Arm to crib transfer is successful and she's snoring.
I return to my room and start bedtime for Bean.
"Mommy? What's that yellow stuff on your shoulber?" She doesn't say the 'd' in shoulder.
Looking down, I see that in addition to the poop on my arm, my shoulder is covered with a string of mucousy snots, probably from HT's crying fit. I quickly wash myself again, contemplate a 3rd shower for the day and finally finish dressing.